Science Continues to Prove That We're All Doomed

We all love the end of the world. Don't deny it. You know you daydream about what kind of weapons you'll strap to your dune buggy to help you traverse the post-apocalyptic wastelands. You know you want to wear a leather jumpsuit and do battle with cannibalistic mutants. You know you can't wait to forget about taxes and responsibility and spend the rest of your days scavenging for food and finding new and inventive ways of surviving in the face of devastating horror.

Why do you think we love The Road Warrior? Why did audiences flock to The Book of Eli? Why was Fallout 3 such a huge seller? Because we can't wait to be in the surviving 1% of humanity when The End arrives

Good news! Things are getting apocalyptic all over the place! Start saving water and buying crossbow bolts.

What are the signs?

A brand-spanking new infared telescope has discovered 16 previously unknown "dark" asteroids with orbits close to Earth. They've been given this terrifying name because they don't reflect enough sunlight to be seen by normal telescopes and unless you're looking through this one-of-a-kind telescope, they're completely invisible. Also, the tilted orbit of many of these asteroids makes detecting them significantly more difficult. Scientists estimate that there are about ten thousand or so objects " with masses great enough to cause ground damage" floating around our little planet. Considering that scientists have recently pretty much confirmed 100% that an asteroid collision wiped out the dinosaurs, I say the human race should be wary of all undetectable invisible asteroids with odd orbits floating about our solar system.


Remember that earthquake in Chile? You know, that really, really big one? Do you realize how big it really was? Do you realize the global ramifications? Some seem minor the grand scheme of life the universe and everything (Chilean wine will be rare, paper prices may go up), but some feel a little, you know, APOCALYPTIC. Like how water levels dropped two feet in a Virgina town because of the quake. Or how the seismic activity may have kick-started a bunch of volcanoes. Or how the force of the earthquake was so powerful that the Earth's axis was permanently tilted, shortening our days by 1.26 millionths of a second. It doesn't seem like much, but think about it. This earthquake moved the planet. It moved it so much that days are shorter. Think about it.

Feeling doomed yet? How about arctic seabeds near Siberia unleashing unprecedented amounts of methane into the air?

How about an awards ceremony for the chemicals most likely to kill us?

And now you're telling me that GORILLAS MAY BE EATING MONKEYS? WHAT?!

When the world is a sea of lava, when we're wearing gas masks so we won't inhale the methane from Siberia, when the cities have been wiped out by invisible asteroids, when most of our food and water is filled with chemicals, when we're on the run from vicious man-eating gorillas...maybe we, as a race, will finally find some peace and solace.

Thanks, science!